I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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