I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
