Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
