Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
