yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
