I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
