If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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