I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
