YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
