My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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