I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
