Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
