I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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