my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
