I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
