Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
