Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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