u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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