I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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