i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
