When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
