I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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