my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
