$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
