I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
