I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
