We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
