I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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