The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
