Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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