Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
