Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You are a genius and a whore.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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