I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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