Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We need a shit load of segways right now
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
