Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
