i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Randomize
