I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
