I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
