he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
