its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
