I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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