My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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