i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
