I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
