I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
