dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
be right there i have to get my cape
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
