it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
