Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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