Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
