Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
