just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
