i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
